Ai Cuo

Do you know why I had stood by you for 2 years? Because I thought slowly you would change. From someone who was never practical, into someone sensible. From someone who didn't know how to work towards to his dreams, into someone who is motivated to turn his dreams into reality.

Perhaps I've succeeded, you started to believe. But I was wrong and mistaken. In every decision making process, from which job you should be looking at. I told you to go for your interest. My mistake was to trust that you were sensible enough to consider circumstances and factors for the people around you when making such a decision.

Afterall, if you want to be with someone, you have to find a way to make things work, not just for yourself but for the person who you are going to be with.

I don't know why or how you're able to make such a decision, but you've never ever consider how you, your mum and I are going to survive? Practicality was never a factor in your decision making. Hence I'm thoroughly disappointed and struggling with financial issues all day without any help doesn't assure me at all if I had even mattered to you.

It was like you were watching a butterfly whose wings were plucked off and it couldn't fly anymore. Somehow you didn't understand that.

How do you rely, trust and depend upon someone who only thinks for himself but is never practical and sensible enough to think for the people around him?

How's that going to work out?

I have no answers.

And I struggled for months, trying to place faith in things, but I'm not God, I'm merely human. I have my own burden to carry and all these weariness has eaten into me.

So I shut off, gradually losing all hope.

You said you loved and cared for me. I don't deny that you do in your own way. Your head was in the clouds, while I prefered to be more sensible and down-to-earth.

That's not what I call love. Your dad was right when he told me 2 years ago that you don't know how to think.

In my mind, you're just a kid, waiting to be taken care of. But you will never be that man, to take care of the woman he loves.

Truth is often harsh. No doubt, I cried for months while forcing myself to face up to this reality. It was hard living in denial and in an illusion that I have to play the role of a man in the relationship.

Things shouldn't be this way. It's not right.

I was your lover, your mother, your father in this relationship. But what I want is a man. Someone who I can share all my fears with and hold my hand and walk through all these with me.

When things fell apart, you ran instead.

There was no security that you could provide me with. None.

I was your tree, sheltering you from the storm. But when lightning strucked, you fled.

The tree caught fire and started burning. What's left is just a dead log.

That's how you are, sapping everything and draining every part of me out from me... and then abandoning me when I needed you the most.

You only want someone to care and think for you but you will not do the same for the other person.

I'm broken hearted.

My heart aches for you like how a parent would do so for their child.