After many days of proscracination, I've finally decided to sit down and write a proper entry at 1.30am in the wee hours of the morning just before my paper.

Firstly, I would like to thank the many people in my life right now. Some who had always been close to my heart (so you guys should know who you are), some whom I knew more recently like my classmates for their endless support.

Secondly, in the midst of having this overwhelming feeling that my life is like a drama serial, I'm am indeed battling to keep myself in control. I don't, do not, think that it's really the end of the world (although I say such depressive stuff all the time) but I am doing something, to fight my way through, to fight my way out. It has always been a struggle for me, I guess in a sense I'm used to struggling, against unfair circumstances, against my flaws, against myself.

Thirdly, my health isn't getting any better, at the rate which I'm falling sick, I'm expected to be hospitalised pretty soon, maybe within a month. I don't have the heart to study now, though I've been trying to force books down my throat. It's been tiring. Running from school (and all over school), to work, to hospital etc. Physically and mentally I'm feeling drained. I know I won't be doing well this semester, so I've got no one to blame (except myself)

Emotionally, I'm not exactly stable. I feel I'm in a mess myself due to the unexpected presence of a person. Running and hiding, maybe because I don't really know what to expect, or just that I don't trust my judgement anymore. I don't know how to make the "right" decision, can it really be win-win for everyone? Or does things have to come till the end of the day with one person at the losing end and feeling hurt again? Frankly speaking, till now, I'm still thinking whether I've been overly harsh, or whether this is the best alternative out of all possible outcomes. Why am I still thinking about this? I truly can't understand, I ought to learn not to give a damn.

So at the end of the day, it still boils down to just 2 issues,

1) What do I want out of this?
2) What does the other person involved wants?

Someone said I'm turning from bad to worse. I laughed it off. It means nothing to me because that person doesn't even mean anything to me.

And all the apologies can't change a thing for me now.

The best birthday present you gave me was to make things worse for me.
I love you, I really do now.