Flashbacks

For a day, I was happy.

Until I got reminded what you had said to me.

I froze and I clammed up.

Just like how you did.

'~'~'

I feel so confused.

One moment I am so drawn to you.

Next I am pulling myself away.

I thought I had found something that I want, and the next moment I doubt myself again.

And I just shut my heart away from others.

'~'~'

Why can't I be truly happy without holding back, without any worries, without feeling so depressed.

Why can't I just fall in love and not be hit by bouts of numbness again?

Why do I see your imprints all over my life though you no longer exist?

Questions and yet no answers.

'~'~'

It was meant to to be a sincere gesture when someone had suggested dedicating a song.
But why do I not feel a thing despite being able to sense the sincerity?
My heart has hardened to such an extent.
I just chose to laugh it off and not take it too seriously.

'~'~'

You reminded me of how it was like to give my heart away only to get hurt in tne end.

I can't forget that.
I can't forgive that.

'~'~'

I'm fearful of forming any form of attachment on any person.
I can't overcome that fear on my own.
It's been 4 years since that fateful day, and I'm still trapped in this cage I swear.

'~'~'

I don't know how to like a person anymore since the last memory of liking you.
I don't even know if my love is whole since it's in fragments.
I don't know if my love is pure since I've been poisoned.
I don't know if it can last since I've been broken.
I don't know what to fight for since I've surrendered.
I don't know what to believe in since I've fallen.
I don't know what to say to you since we've last spoken.
I don't know if I am lying to myself since I don't know what's the truth anymore.

'~'~'

the kindest action is to just stay away from me.

PpD

When I do open my heart to a person... it'll be all the way.
But when I close my heart on someone... it's also there to stay.
That's why I'm known as a Battleaxe.
Brutal and cruelty are both my characteristics.
Who then is the real me do you know?
How predictable can I be?
Just the either extremes.
Don't blame me for being harsh when I am.
Don't take advantage of my openness as weakness because I am not.