Thanks for telling me that you've booked a seat for me at Bulworks and bought me a ticket for MOS on christmas eve, and for letting me know that it's your best friends birthday.
I don't blame you for choosing your friends over me because I expect things to be fair and hence, don't get angry with me when I choose my friends over you.
Still it didn't make me feel any better about things. I still did spend x'mas eve alone and it's ok that I spent it alone. I'd rather spent it alone being myself than to put on a smile and entertain people even though I had no mood to do so. Pretense itself is a form of agony and I don't wish to deal with such stuff especially with a back that is breaking any moment.
The point simply is this - I called you up because your mum was worried for you. Smsed you and ask you what time you are coming back and to ask about your whereabouts. You just didn't want to pick up the phone.
It's ok. I'll just wait until you decide to go home, which I did. And I am tired after having spent the whole night up just waiting for you which is why the moment you reached home, I went to sleep immediately. And so for that, I deserve a "I-am-ignoring-you" treatment.
Everything's ok. Even when I could barely inch my way out of Ian's house the night before, you ain't even worried about my whereabouts.
This is what I am pissed at.
You are looking at the logical reasons on how I have failed you.
I am looking at how you have failed to show me concern, which is an emotional reason.
To you, you define this as me wanting sympathy.
To me, I define this as a part of a duty.
The worst thing which really made me pissed off was when you told your mum that I was popular and hence the flowers were gifts from other guys.
It made me felt like you were treating me as some showcase trophy, just to announce to the whole world your pride and glory.
Little did you know that those flowers that I was holding, actually belongs to Angela, just that she had forgotten to bring them back along with her. And that I had a share in paying for those flowers just to encourage her on her finals. So are you disappointed now that you know the truth?
I said that you and I have different expectations on things and this is the root of the problem. Till now, what's important to you is this : You are always wrong and I am always right.
I don't fucking care about right and wrong because if you were to stand from the other person's point of view, both of them will always be right in their own sense. Till now you still don't see the point : You're not giving me what I seek and deem as important and I'm not able to give you the kind of expectations that you have for me.
Hence nothing ever gets resolved once and for all.
The insecurities will always eat into me until you learn that I need emotional assurance rather than just jokingly tear me down further because I AM THE KIND OF PERSON who HEARS IT AND TAKES IT AS IT IS when I am feeling down/stressed. Whereas, you expect me to KNOW WHEN YOU ARE JOKING (even though the joke isn't funny at all to me and i do take it rather offensively) and REACT POSITIVELY because you deem this as a SIGN OF MATURITY and INDEPENDENCE. I'm not strong all the time, and I don't seem to be getting any acceptance from you when I crack and break. This is just a highlight of the difference in expectations between you and me, and I'm just listing down one of the of the many examples.
So many times I've tried telling you all this differences. You just brush them off lightly. I don't even know whether you even see the implications behind it. Maybe you do now, perhaps you still think I'm just being fucking stubborn about keeping my position as the prideful-girl-who-is-always-right. That's not the point, so whenever you ask me a yes/no question, right/wrong question, I can't answer you because it is both a YES and NO depending on whose view you are looking from, and a RIGHT and WRONG depending on the reasons for the argument. It can never be a 100% YES/NO, 100% RIGHT/WRONG because I do see the other side of the coin.
Once a person makes me feel insecure, I won't lay my trust in that person. It's a natural instinct : Why should you place your trust in someone whom doesn't builds up your self-confidence when you are unsure about yourself? Don't you see this point now? You think that I just simply refuse to trust you because I am stubborn and prideful, but sometimes I feel you don't understand where I am coming from and the difficulties that I face while trying to place my trust in you because you keep doing/saying things to HURT me and it REALLY HURTS. Not once have you offered words of comfort and assurance, and you just brush off my insecurities with the reason that I enjoy repeating to the world. It's precisely because you say those comments that make me EVEN MORE uncertain resulting in a vicious cycle of insecurity.
I'll end here for now. I have no more energy to carry on with this discussion as I've got work tomorrow. I'm just glad that you've taken notice of my friendster pictures.
I don't blame you for choosing your friends over me because I expect things to be fair and hence, don't get angry with me when I choose my friends over you.
Still it didn't make me feel any better about things. I still did spend x'mas eve alone and it's ok that I spent it alone. I'd rather spent it alone being myself than to put on a smile and entertain people even though I had no mood to do so. Pretense itself is a form of agony and I don't wish to deal with such stuff especially with a back that is breaking any moment.
The point simply is this - I called you up because your mum was worried for you. Smsed you and ask you what time you are coming back and to ask about your whereabouts. You just didn't want to pick up the phone.
It's ok. I'll just wait until you decide to go home, which I did. And I am tired after having spent the whole night up just waiting for you which is why the moment you reached home, I went to sleep immediately. And so for that, I deserve a "I-am-ignoring-you" treatment.
Everything's ok. Even when I could barely inch my way out of Ian's house the night before, you ain't even worried about my whereabouts.
This is what I am pissed at.
You are looking at the logical reasons on how I have failed you.
I am looking at how you have failed to show me concern, which is an emotional reason.
To you, you define this as me wanting sympathy.
To me, I define this as a part of a duty.
The worst thing which really made me pissed off was when you told your mum that I was popular and hence the flowers were gifts from other guys.
It made me felt like you were treating me as some showcase trophy, just to announce to the whole world your pride and glory.
Little did you know that those flowers that I was holding, actually belongs to Angela, just that she had forgotten to bring them back along with her. And that I had a share in paying for those flowers just to encourage her on her finals. So are you disappointed now that you know the truth?
I said that you and I have different expectations on things and this is the root of the problem. Till now, what's important to you is this : You are always wrong and I am always right.
I don't fucking care about right and wrong because if you were to stand from the other person's point of view, both of them will always be right in their own sense. Till now you still don't see the point : You're not giving me what I seek and deem as important and I'm not able to give you the kind of expectations that you have for me.
Hence nothing ever gets resolved once and for all.
The insecurities will always eat into me until you learn that I need emotional assurance rather than just jokingly tear me down further because I AM THE KIND OF PERSON who HEARS IT AND TAKES IT AS IT IS when I am feeling down/stressed. Whereas, you expect me to KNOW WHEN YOU ARE JOKING (even though the joke isn't funny at all to me and i do take it rather offensively) and REACT POSITIVELY because you deem this as a SIGN OF MATURITY and INDEPENDENCE. I'm not strong all the time, and I don't seem to be getting any acceptance from you when I crack and break. This is just a highlight of the difference in expectations between you and me, and I'm just listing down one of the of the many examples.
So many times I've tried telling you all this differences. You just brush them off lightly. I don't even know whether you even see the implications behind it. Maybe you do now, perhaps you still think I'm just being fucking stubborn about keeping my position as the prideful-girl-who-is-always-right. That's not the point, so whenever you ask me a yes/no question, right/wrong question, I can't answer you because it is both a YES and NO depending on whose view you are looking from, and a RIGHT and WRONG depending on the reasons for the argument. It can never be a 100% YES/NO, 100% RIGHT/WRONG because I do see the other side of the coin.
Once a person makes me feel insecure, I won't lay my trust in that person. It's a natural instinct : Why should you place your trust in someone whom doesn't builds up your self-confidence when you are unsure about yourself? Don't you see this point now? You think that I just simply refuse to trust you because I am stubborn and prideful, but sometimes I feel you don't understand where I am coming from and the difficulties that I face while trying to place my trust in you because you keep doing/saying things to HURT me and it REALLY HURTS. Not once have you offered words of comfort and assurance, and you just brush off my insecurities with the reason that I enjoy repeating to the world. It's precisely because you say those comments that make me EVEN MORE uncertain resulting in a vicious cycle of insecurity.
I'll end here for now. I have no more energy to carry on with this discussion as I've got work tomorrow. I'm just glad that you've taken notice of my friendster pictures.
posted by A Shade of Purple at 2:32 AM
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